The f’n man.

He did a drop toe hold and the place freaked.  He is the f’n man.  “Future of Hardcore”?  Blank that, the present of Ultraviolence as he would probably say.  He doesn’t even have to say anything in his promos and he’s still over.  And think about it, if he kills them all, he’s back on top.  Murder.  Death.  Kill.

What ever happened to the comedian?

I remember back in the day when a comedian was actually funny.  And get this, I’m not some 70-year-old person who is bitter about these gays on comedy central who are so ungodly unfunny, no, I am not that.  I do have similar feelings though, when did the comedian stop being funny and turn into a flaming loudmouth who is anything but funny.  They try to be funny by being offensive but it has all been said before so they look really lame in the end and still nobody laughs but a few of the paid attendees at the lame theater they are filming this at.  There are a few funny ones left like Mike Birbiglia and …..I can’t think of anyone else at the moment.  Greg Hahn.  That is all.  Everyone else is trash.  Mitch Hedberg was pretty funny in a “I’m so bad I’m good” way most of the time but he made me laugh.  That Sprite commercial guy?  Lame as blank.  Dave Attell might’ve been funny in 1995 but I’m not even so sure about that.  Even Jerry Seinfeld isn’t funny at stand-up anymore and his tv show is the highlight of network television, one of the few things they have ever did right.  The others include Becker, Scrubs and 3rd Rock From the Sun.  3rd Rock as a show was atrocious but it brought us Joseph Gordon-Levitt, one of the best actors in the world today.  So you have to give them that.  But back to the comedian and how they are the epitome of garbage.  A lot of them can only get laughs by dropping a bunch of F-bombs and even then some of them are sad.  I know that isn’t what they are going for.  Daniel Tosh is the next to become lame.  Don’t start on Carlos Menstealya “He’ll steal your jokes”.  Dave Chappelle was funny at some point though I’m not sure about his stand-up.  The list goes on and on.  Chris Rock?  Not funny.  Louis CK or CK Louis?  Way back when.  Now he talks about his kid for three hours.  Lame!  They are all a bunch of Pauly Shore and Carrot Top types.  AKA not a good thing.  The best stand-up thing going on in today’s world is the previews for Funny People.  Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen have a 20-second bit combined and they are funnier there than a whole day of Comedy Central repeats of “comedy central presents some cretin”.  I hope for the day Comedy Central ceases to exist and I hope it takes Fox Soccer Channel with it.  By far the most horribly ran TV station of all-time.  Here is a conversation that probably takes place there every single day….

Gay #1: We have the EPL rights, want to show live games?

Gay #2: No, why do that when we could show two dudes kissing?  AKA MLS stuff.

Gay #1: Great idea homo.

Gay #2: And after that let’s run results on the TV for the next day and then randomly show a fuzzy tape-delayed version of Bolton vs West Brom but let’s f up all the commentary and stuff.  That’d be ideal for a third-rate tv station.

Gay #1: You read my mind flamer.  Let’s interrupt it to talk about David Beckham.  What about the Columbian third division friendly?  It conflicts with the Liverpool v Tottenham game.  If Tottenham win they make the Europa League.  Should we show that?

Gay #2: F that, let’s be really gay and show that Columbian stuff.  With our own gay announcers.

Gay #1: Dweet!

Gay #3: You guys are geniuses….

The Lake Show: Summer Special

A conversation overheard in the Lakers medical room between the Lakers doctor and the Lakers owner.

Doctor: I’m sorry Lakers, you have cancer.

Owner: What?  What do you mean?

Doctor: You signed cancer is what I meant.

Owner: Ron?

Doctor: Yeah.  He is a cancer and never has did anything that I know of.

Owner:  Is it that bad?

Doctor: No…..worse.  He also raps.  And I think he has his own clothing line.

Owner:  This is going to cost us a lot of money….

Rod vs Rog: The Final Nobody Wanted.

Bring it on!  By ‘it’ I mean the next tournament as this one has been a dud.  The Queen reportedly paid $20,000 for a ticket to the Wimbledon final and now she is not going to go.  What is tennis thinking?  Go the way on the NBA and start fixing games.  It worked for italian football and the olympics in atlanta and everyone since Jesse Owens “got one over” on Hitler.  WINK!  The native son of Britain is now the native f of Britain.  The most f’d around is what he is going to be from now on.  I think it is safe to write Murray off as a flop.  The dude lacks intensity contrary to what his celebrations would have you believe.  I can see through that act as can the rest of the world.  Roddick on the otherhand, look at the last part of his name, that is what he is.  Fed?  Yeah, we are all fed up with the tears cakeboy.  Bring Nadal back.  The mutha could win the tournament with one leg at this point.  The day Tommy f’n Haas makes a semi-final is the day I died a little inside.  What, was Blake too busy penning a second autobiography?  Seriously.  So when you see Rod and Rog come out for the final whenver they play, to be honest, nobody knows really as everyone is trying to forget Wimby happened, throw toilet paper at the two finalists because it is nothing but blank.  John Wimbledon himself will roll over in his grave when the winner gets the trophy.  I actually think the only honorable thing to do is throw the trophy into the crowd and let it hit the empty seats as early reports say everyone is boycotting the sham.  Cornbeef hash?  More like cornbeef and hash.  Rod or Rog winning a trophy in 2009 is like Guy Ferry saying he is a “Fieri”.  Audacious is one word that comes to mind.  So the two asians in attendance at this final, boo both men and let your dissapointment be known by spitting at the participants.  I’m not talking the players themselves, they aren’t to blame, I’m talking about the ball getters and linesmen but most importantly the ump.  Take a proverbial, or literal, dump on that man.  I will be watching a VHS tape of the Best of Borg while this sad excuse of a final takes place.  So join me in this worldwide boycott of the final.  And please sign the petition to award Mr. Murrary with the trophy as there is no doubt it is what tennis wants and most importantly what they need.  Fed is no Pete or Agassi.  Neither is Murray but that is because he is double the men they will ever be….

Script War Declared

It looks like a script war is on the horizon you savage beasts.  Feast on the what’s up if you catch my drizzift.  Nothing here is what it seems but it so is.  The rules are simple, if you don’t like what you read here, F OFF!  If you do like what you read and not one of “THE TWO” [heaven's gate reference] then you too, can F OFF!  Go ahead and f off similar to the way Gordon Brown makes pretzels.  He will anything from t-rex pretzels to the traditional all the way to your precious little garlic buttermakers.  The son of a buck will go from looking at the pretzel salt under a microscope to talking to a gypsy about the origins of pretzel dough and still have room to be boyfriends with his producer.  Leonard Gibbs is so jealous.  GB doesn’t think he looks like a total d, the truth hurts Brownie, don’t it.  On the other hand, the Food Detectives dude loves guys and your boy Doc found that out.  I guess we all saw that coming, the dude loves deep fried bacon.  Seriously.  He also likes his longtime partner deep fried whatever the blank that means.

Grass is greener on the other side, but you’ll eventually have to mow it.

Obviously you simpleton.

Let’s get down to the business as Alton goes on about acids and other flamin’ info.  I just realized I have been calling him Gordon Brown.  GB is the dude who is prime minister of Great Britain or something.  My bad, not really though, it just shows I don’t give an F either way.

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

Quote George Carlin.

Finally, script talk.  The games are about to begin.  Two scripts, two stories, etc.  Get down with the business and let’s see some gold.  Will it be a cult picture?  Who knows.  It’s your choice.  Do your thing.  So no more talk of this on here until we get some brainstorming done.  No off limits by the way.  Nazi films are free to do, same with food movies.  GO!

You can’t teach a new dog old tricks.

Welcome to the future.  I’m watching Suns at Lakers and its 95-95 so my heart isn’t all in this message.  Only 1:01 left and 10 seconds on the shot clock.  Since we are in the future we know who wins and all that nonsense, but that is not important.  Just ask Jimmy Johnson if you want to know who won.  I bet the dude doesn’t have anything better to do than talk about his ballin’ days.  Babyface Jones on the Suns, not sure his first name, Jermaine?  Oh well, he’s a scrub.  AKA Houseshoe baller.  Nice hair Smush, how is free agency treating you?  Nash is fixing his hair.  Welcome to this page.

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